This section would have been easy enough for the ‘old’ me. I was a cake loving, tea swigging mom to William and Thomas living a quiet, happy and uneventful life in South Staffordshire with my husband Rob & our cat Pukins.
The AA (After Alex) me is still a massive cake & tea lover but I am now also mom to our little star Alex, who was born asleep on Monday 7th November 2016 and this has changed everything. I now see life through a different lens. Everything I thought I knew has changed. Everyone I thought I knew has changed. I have changed.
When we first lost Alex my sister in law bought me a Little Bag of Hope from two parents who are complete strangers to me but who had also lost a child. Inside it, amongst other beautiful things was a note which said “The pain is real. But so is hope. Hope that one day you will see in colour again” Up until that point no-one had said anything to me which had broken through the fog and made me think. I saw clearly that grief had turned my world black and white. There was no joy, no laughter, no feelings other than utter sadness and certainly no sight of our old life. But in the end, they were right. I am starting to see the colour in the world again, and thanks to Alex its even richer. Those parents helped me so much without even knowing it. I clung to those words during my darkest hours and hoped with all my heart that they were true. If they had lost a baby and survived then maybe I could too. From that I turned to blogs of other parents who had lost children to stillbirth and found so much comfort in their words. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one to feel the way I did. I could survive and live a fulfilling life again. A different life. A new normal.
I decided to write about my experiences in hope that myself and Alex can help to break the silence surrounding stillbirth and be the one to give hope to the person who has lost the colour from their world. It will return, I promise.
Rachel & Alex